


I'm Alone, You See

by MMRichter



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Distrust, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Jasper Redemption (Steven Universe), Out of Character, Reconciliation, Redeemed Jasper, Reoccurrences, Songfic, Temporary Amnesia, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Tension, connverse - Freeform, jaspearl - Freeform, partially, with good reason
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-08 01:56:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21227876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MMRichter/pseuds/MMRichter
Summary: Jasper is trying to get better, but the past is not easy to reconcile, not with others, and not with herself.





	I'm Alone, You See

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Hello, fellow readers and writers. Thank you for stopping by, and I hope you enjoy it. This song just stuck to Jasper in my head for a while now, and now it only makes me think of her when I hear it. Then, when I started to write out this story, it just got bigger and developed until it got to this current state. This story is also based one theory I have for Jasper's Redemption/Healing arc. So, thank you again for reading, and let’s get to it. And here … we … go:

Early morning chill filled the air as the sun barely started to send away the night. Jasper bounced up and down on her toes to get her body primed, before tying her hair up into a high ponytail. She then strapped the ‘cellular phone’ communicator to her bicep, fixed her earphones into her ears, and tapped the screen in a familiar sequence, the routine no longer requiring her to even look anymore. The quartz finally took off running as the music started. 

Her running steps soon pounded in tune with her chosen song’s thumping beat as the smooth tenor sang with introspective weight. Jasper first heard this song when Connie was showing her what a ‘playlist’ is, and the track came up as apparently one of Connie’s favorites, from something called ‘Black Panther’. With Connie’s recommendation (and finding out from Steven that a panther is a type of cat- a species of which Jasper had become a fan), she decided to give the track a listen. From the first time she heard it, the song and lyrics resonated with the quartz, ringing true for and about her. Still, she wasn’t sure why as it touched something deep inside she’s since forgotten.

_♪ ‘I’m always ready for a war again/Go down that road again/It’s all the same’. ♪_

Jasper jogged through the Little Homeworld settlement as the attention started and began following her. Every gem that saw her would stop and stare, some in confusion and some with hostility. They were all however weary and uneasy. This happened every time she would come here; she had no idea why or when this started, but she did know it stemmed past occurrences…

_♪’Who can pray for me/ take my pain for me/ save my soul from me/ ‘cuz I’m alone, you see’ ♪_

Eventually, Jasper finished up and warped her way back to the beach, where she came across Amethyst and her ‘Famethyst’ of other Earth gems. The cluster of quartzes communed in front of the temple, laughing, carousing, and roughhousing. Jasper slowed down and took out her earphones as she came upon them. Upon seeing her, however, the Famethyst stopped in their tracks, the fun and easy time grinding to a halt as they looked at the orange quartz in anxiety.

Amethyst soon poked her head out of the scrum she was caught under and saw. “Hey, Jas!”

Jasper gave an easy smile as Amethyst ran up to her. “How’s it going, runt!”

Amethyst briefly hugged Jasper’s leg before the two shared a fist bump. “Ah, it’s all cool. Where you coming from, sis?”

“Just a run… You gems are up early.”

“Nah, we never went to sleep. C’mon; you can hang with us.”

Jasper looked back to the standoffish other gems. “Actually, I’ll … have to pass. Got people to see, you know.”

Amethyst shrugged in response. “’Kay; suit yourself. They’ll be here a few more days, if you change your mind.”

Jasper started past but tried to be cordial and acknowledged the others as she headed into the temple. “Jay. Exes. Sharky. Skinny. Carnelian.”

A smattering of hums, nods, and grunts were returned as brief acknowledgment, Jasper hearing them continue their rowdy outing as she entered the temple.

-XX-

Jasper entered Bismuth and Peridot’s shared lab and forge as the two gems were arguing and debating over some kind of mechanism or contraption, Lapis sitting to the side listening to their discussion. The orange quartz made her way inside but waited, unsure of how to announce herself without causing a scene. Lapis looked over first and stared when she saw…

“This is getting asinine.” Peridot eventually said. “Lazuli, we need your opinion. What do you thi—”

Peridot froze when she saw Jasper. Bismuth finally looked over and started to stare like the rest, but caught herself and tried to stay casual…

Jasper spoke first. “Blacksmith…”

Bismuth replied with a chuckle, “Soldier…?”

Jasper quickly realized what she said. “Oh, right, I mean… Bismuth. Pearl wanted me to get something she asked you to make…”

“Sure thing; just finished it. Wait here while I go get, tiger?”

Bismuth walked off further into the space. Peridot remained visibly perturbed, looking away and nervously fidgeting, until finally…

“Bismuth, hold on; I’ll assist you.”

With that, Peridot ran off after Bismuth. Jasper and Lapis were left with each other, the atmosphere as always uncomfortably tense between them. Jasper knew some serious occurrences happened between Lapis and her. In Lapis’ presence, there was always a torturous mix of wanting to talk, having no idea what to say, and knowing it was a good idea to not broach the topic but lacking in reasons as to why. Jasper knew there was something she needed to settle with Lapis; she was somewhat terrified of what it is but was still unable to shake the desire to do so at the same time. Lapis, meanwhile, turned away from Jasper when Bismuth and Peridot left as the awkward silence only grew. 

Lapis finally commented, exasperated, “Well, this is ridiculously uncomfortable.”

“You’re telling me! Glad I’m not the only one who feels it.” Jasper was trying to sound jocular, but her words came out as nervous. Still, Jasper decided on a braver approach. “Lapis, I… T-There’s something, uh… I’m sorry. I think we—”

“Okay, stop.” Lapis glanced at Jasper but looked away again. “Look, for future reference… there’s a lot of things I want to say, things I need to say… And there’s things I DID say … that I shouldn’t have, things I can’t take back… I’m not ready to deal with them yet … just like you. So … can we just … not, for now?”

Jasper could only nod in agreement but with very mixed emotions. She knew Lapis was right about her not being ready, yet there was still only disappointment. There was no relief, no release of tension, no ease or catharsis. Jasper wanted to face it even though she was unsure of what happened … or how terrible the revelation. 

_♪ ‘I fight the world/ I fight you/ I fight myself/ I fight God, just tell me how many burdens left’. ♪_

Bismuth finally reemerged from the backroom with Peridot behind her. “Okay, Jasper, one special delivery for Pearl, hot and ready.”

“Thanks.” Jasper received the package and started to leave. “I gotta get this to her… See you gems later; Bismuth, Peridot … Lapis.”

Jasper took her leave, and only Bismuth waves goodbye. Peridot and Lapis simply nodded to her as they continued to avert their eyes…

-XX-

Jasper approached the temple door and pressed the sky-blue stone on the panel…

“Hello?” A tingling voice came over the new com

“It’s me.”

Pearl perked up instantly, her smile practically audible in her voice. “Oh! Come on in, darling.”

The door opened into Pearl’s room, and the orange quartz entered. Jasper took a few steps in when Pearl emerged … and practically rocketed into the quartz’s chest to hug her tight.

Jasper embraced her in return as she chuckled. Hey, cutie. Miss me, huh?”

Pearl looked up into Jasper’s eyes. “Well, I’ve only talked to you over the phone so far. This is my first time having you close today, so yes, I’m quite happy you’re here.”

Jasper wistfully commented, “Well, at least one gem is happy to see me.”

“Oh, I’m sure you haven’t seen everyone today, and as I said I’m VERY happy to see you.” Pearl reassured Jasper then punctuated her statement with a quick peck on Jasper’s lips. The pale gem then noticed something in Jasper’s hand. “Oh, now, what’s this?”

“Oh, right.” Jasper said as she remembered. She let Pearl back down gently and handed her the package. “I got the thing you asked Bismuth for.”

“Splendid! Thank you, Jasper; you’re so wonderful.”

Pearl gave Jasper another peck, this one on her cheek, took the quartz’s hand, and led her deeper into the room… The new couple of a couple months had settled on a futon in the corner of Pearl’s sanctum. Pearl and Jasper nestled comfortably together, Pearl sitting back against Jasper’s body, Jasper gathering Pearl up in her arms, the pair in quiet bliss. Meanwhile, however, something, some terrible feeling, burned in the back of Jasper’s mind. It made her feel this warmth was undeserved, something by which she should feel guilt. Jasper was happy … and for some reason, she was ashamed of it. 

One of the few gems she could talk to about it, however … was happily cuddling with her in that moment. Knowing the threat of ruining their serenity, Jasper still gathered up some courage.”

“Pearl… Can I … talk to you about something?”

“Of course…” Pearl sat up and turned around to face her, “What’s on your mind, darling?”

Jasper took a few breaths to settle herself. To Pearl’s delight, she wrapped her arms around Pearl’s waist, which always made Jasper feel calm and secure as well. “Pearl… You… You like how I am now, right?”

Pearl let out a lovely giggle. “I thought it would be obvious, but… Yes, I absolutely like you as you are.”

“Right…” Jasper chuckled nervously. “And you like me … more than you did before?”

“That is how it typically occurs, yes.”

Jasper swallowed hard with a grunt. “I… I know it was … bad with me, so… You like me a lot more than when I was … like that?”

Getting suspicious, Pearl continued to smile even with a sinking feeling growing in her chest. “It is … a lot easier to appreciate your best qualities now, yes.”

Jasper had to take a few more deep breaths to try and keep herself from shaking. “And… tell me honestly… if I went back to who I was, but only just a little bit... you wouldn’t like me at all anymore, right?”

Now, it was Pearl’s turn to swallow hard. Still, she stayed diplomatic and composed despite her tension spiking. “Okay. I’ll … be honest, Jasper. It would be … difficult to get along with you, as you were then. But, as long as the best version of you survives, I would certainly try my hardest to like you as much as I do now.” Jasper nodded slowly as she thought about Pearl’s words, visibly wrestling with her feelings. Pearl continued, “What brought this on?”

“I don’t know.” Jasper’s voice descended as she spoke after a long pause. “Pearl, I just. don’t. know.”

Pearl caressed the quartz’s cheek. “It’s okay, sweetheart. I know this is a lot to take in, a lot to adjust to. But I’m sure we can get through it, and you’re a smart gem; you’ll figure it out in time.” Jasper sighed before eventually giving an accepting nod. “Now, for right now, let’s just enjoy this time together, okay?”

Jasper finally smiled again, and Pearl smiled back before sitting back down against Jasper. The couple soon settled again. Jasper eventually cradled Pearl even closer, Pearl looking up and back at her quartz paramour. Jasper then leaned down and tenderly pressed her lips to her lithe lover’s, Pearl happily reciprocating. They separated eventually, but Pearl remained enchanted, her face blushing blue…

Jasper gave a satisfied smirk. “I’ll probably always kiss you like that, no matter what.”

“Lucky me…” Pearl said with a giggle.

Jasper smiled, and the couple indulged in another kiss.

-XX-

Jasper slipped out of the temple and into the night. A brisk, cool breeze floated through the beach. The waves crashed loudly against the shore, unaffected by the night. The full moon shone majestically overhead without a cloud to block it. Like most everything else, Jasper had mixed feelings about the ocean, feeling equal parts comfort and dread about the watery depths all at once. She felt it could be a place she could hide and disappear, yet she also felt it was the site of something horrific in her past. It was just another thing she was certain she should know, that she teetered between wishing she knew and that really didn’t want to know either.

Jasper headed for the water’s edge only to spot someone already there: Garnet, the fusion already there staring out into the ocean. This proved an opportune and eerie situation; the one gem Jasper needed and wanted to talk to was indeed Garnet. The quartz had no idea if the fusion was there for herself or because she knew Jasper wanted to talk. Did Garnet know would come to beach and waited for her? Or did she seek out Jasper and end up on the beach as a consequence? The fusion remained unreadable as always. Jasper approached, Garnet glancing over as the quartz stood next to her.

“Fus—I mean, Garnet.”

Garnet gave a small smile. “Quartz commander, Jasper…”

Jasper chuckled at the title, an accolade she apparently once held but long ago. The task at hand quickly pushed the lightness of the moment away. “Garnet… I need your help… I need some of your future vision, if you don’t mind.”

Garnet didn’t respond for a moment, then offered with a flicker of solemnity, “I’ll help any way I can.”

“Right… Right…” Jasper’s anxiety again started to spike. “I’ve been thinking a lot lately … about my reset.”

Garnet stayed even keel despite her rising dread. “I see. What’s troubling you about it?”

Jasper took a deep breath then braved ahead. “Garnet, please be honest with me… If I remembered everything, got everything back… If I undid my reset … what would happen?”

Garnet went silent for a moment before saying, steadfastly, “There’s … a lot of possibilities and outcomes in that situation.”

“Give it to me straight: are… Are you trying to see if telling me the truth is the best thing to do.”

“… … …Yes.”

“Okay… Fair enough... Then… If I undo my reset … how many outcomes are good and bad? Are there more good … or more bad?”

“It’s not that simple, Jasper. The number of outcomes … has no bearings on their quality or their impact. Sometimes, a host of good outcomes are minor at best, while the few bad ones are disastrous.” Jasper started to sigh, but Garnet quickly continued with empathy, “On the other side of that, there could be many unfortunate possibilities, but the few good ones are so wonderful, so complete, so perfect … it’s worth the risk to make them true.”

Jasper couldn’t help thinking about the stares and whispers she faces from most everyone else; the way everyone gets tense when she speaks; the fear and suspicion that follows her; the way when she gets close some look for the exits and some eye their weapons. Then, some are hostile; even though they don’t say why, their disgust and disdain for her is clear and unquestionable…

Resolute yet saddened by the decision she had come to, Jasper said, “I’m already on thin ice with everyone. I can’t take the risk I’ll ruin things… So, just… How many? Are there more good outcomes … or more bad outcomes?”

Garnet adjusted her glasses and finally relayed, “Yes… There are more bad outcomes than good.”

“Oh… O-Okay…” Jasper’s mood plummeted. “Right, okay… That settles that then… Thank you … Garnet.”

Jasper started to walk away, but Garnet placed a friendly hand on her shoulder. “I’m sorry, Jasper … for everything.”

“You don’t have to be sorry; this is all my fault, obviously… Thank you for offering anyway though.”

Jasper continued back to the temple as she tried to tamp down her emotions. She told herself, that as she is now, she’s safe and secure. She has Pearl who loves her as she is now. She told herself that more good than bad would come from staying as she is now; Garnet said so herself. She told herself that it would only hurt to look back… Yet, knowing all of that only made Jasper sadder. She was supposed to be courageous and strong; she should be facing the past, should be fighting it, should as least be enduring it… The truth, however, was that she shouldn’t, and she can’t.

_♪’I fight pain and hurricanes/ Today I wept/ I’m trying to fight back tears, flood on my doorsteps.’♪_

-XXX-

Jasper was watching the video again, something she did whenever she was down about her scrubbed memory.

\---------  
_“I can’t…” Jasper pleaded as she wept, “I can’t take it anymore… You have to. Please! Please … reset me.”_

_Steven desperately replied, “Jasper, we don’t know what it’ll take away from you. It could just make things hurt worse.”_

_“Nothing … could hurt worse than this. Please take it away; I need you to take it away… Please…”_

_Steven began to cry too. “Jasper… we can help you. We can help you through it. We’ll do whatever we can for you.”_

_Jasper grasped Steven’s jacket and begged in despair, “Please! Please… I can’t hurt like this anymore. I’d rather lose myself… It’s going to shatter me. Please … reset me.”_

\----------- 

The video shook Jasper as it always did, seeing her own despair and desperation laid bare, feeling aftershocks of the sorrow and agony she felt in the recording. It was only made more chilling by Jasper not quite knowing what led to her past self’s agonized pleas. She could guess at how much pain she felt at that moment or how terrible it must have been for so long.

“Jasper?”

The orange quartz looked up from her seat in the empty Cloud Arena to see Steven and Connie approaching, and immediately jumped to her feet and quickly put her phone back into gem.

“My Steven, Sir Connie…” Jasper stammered as she quickly saluted. “My apologies, ma’am. I was just…”

Jasper’s behavior unsettling him as it did whenever this happened, Steven just as quickly calmed her. “Jasper, it’s okay. You can relax, remember? I’m glad you’re relaxing, in fact.”

“Oh… Yeah, I do remember that.” Jasper said as she settled and slowly sat back down. “Sorry; it’s my training and all.”

Steven chuckled. “Don’t sweat it; I understand. And there’s no need for titles, either. It’s just ‘Steven’ and ‘Connie’.” Jasper shed a little smile at Steven’s kindness.

Connie looked around the deserted space. “You must have gotten lucky, Jasper. Usually, there’s a small crowd up here all the time.”

“There was, but…” Jasper’s mood sank as she relayed. “They left … when I showed up.”

Both of the teens realizing the situation, Steven instantly offered, “Oh… Well, that’s okay; we’ll sit with you if you want.”

“Oh, you don’t have to do that. You both probably came here to be together. I should…”

Connie reassured her, “It’s okay, Jasper. We can be together and hang out with you too.” 

Jasper remained unsure but accepted with a nod. Steven and Connie sat on either side of her, sitting higher up on the stands to be on eye level with the orange quartz. The two were always an unquestionably warm, welcoming, and lovely presence, only further emphasizing other gems’ reactions to Jasper. In her melancholy, Jasper spoke unbitten…

“Steven…” Jasper’s words barely over a whisper. “Thank you…”

“What for, Jasper?”

“For letting me stay… For staying with me even though I should be gone.”

“Sure, but … why do you say that?”

Jasper’s mind turned to reciting the song as its appropriateness was never clearer to her than now. “♪’Without you, I’m all alone.’♪” 

“Oh, Jasper…” Steven scooted over and hugged Jasper’s head warmly. “You’re not alone. All of us are here with you.”

Connie took Jasper’s hand in her own and added, “Yes. Amethyst is with you. Garnet is here for you. Pearl is in love with you.”

Jasper retorted, “But everyone is still scared of me. If I mess up, they’d leave me or kick me out. And I can’t remember why … but I can tell it’s because of things I did.” 

Connie hugged the orange quartz from the opposite side. “Yes, you did some things, but you’ve apologized for them, and some bad things happened to you too. You’re doing fine so far.”

Jasper revealed, “I’ve … been wanting to remember lately. I know I can’t. I know it’s a bad idea. But if I knew, if I remembered … I could make up for them or … or fix it somehow. I… And I’m not the only one who suffered, who lost everything…” Tears began streaming down Jasper’s cheeks. “Why… Why did I have to forget? Why did I need to forget? I’m supposed to be strong… I should’ve been able to take it… But I feel so … pathetic, so damaged … so weak.”

Steven hugged her even tighter as she began to cry and spoke to her with all his heart. “No. Jasper, no. Listen to me; it’s not weak to need help. You’re not damaged, and you’re not pathetic. Please, please, don’t feel bad because you heal differently. That’s all this is. You just need to heal a different way.”

Jasper spoke through sobs, “It hurts. I don’t even know what in the stars happened, but it still hurts so much.”

“I know. And that’s why we won’t leave you. That’s why we’ll stay with you, no matter what you need.”

Steven and Connie simply held her until her tears began to taper off. Jasper eventually managed to ask, “Can you tell me anything? Anything at all? Even if it’s just a little bit of info. A clue? A-A hint? A riddle?”

Steven explained as they both eased their embrace of her, “Jasper, the plan is always to tell you everything and for you to remember. But we have to be careful; you’re very smart, and… If we tell you one thing, it could bring everything back at once.”

Connie added, “The way Garnet and Spinel explained it… Memory is linked like a chain; once one comes back, the next one comes back even easier and on and on. And, like Steven said, you’re very smart. Only a couple memories, and you can get your whole memory back, just through deduction.”

Seeing Jasper wrestling with the knowledge, Steven offered, “Okay, I can tell you this: the things you did and the things you went through… you went through them with no real help, no relief or outlet. So, we figured, if we could help you get to a good place, help you get enough good things in your life… If we help get enough care, enough friendship, enough love, then when you do remember, it won’t hurt so bad. You’ll feel so good that the past won’t take it away anymore.”

Jasper took a long moment to absorb everything. “Okay… I guess I understand. That last part sounds good too.”

Connie said. “You’re already well on your way. You’re getting along with Amethyst and Bismuth. You trust Garnet enough to ask for help. You have a wonderful girlfriend in Pearl.”

Jasper shed a small smile as she thought about it. “…Yeah. That is pretty good.”

Steven continued to offer, “It is. And if you want, we can go around and talk to the other gems with you. Show them how much you changed, how you can make up for things, how much you’re trying to be better…”

Jasper slowly nodded. “That sounds nice. Might even work too.”

Steven replied, “I’m sure it will or at least it’s worth a try… So, Jasper, do you think you’ll be okay?”

“Because of you two… I think I will be. Thank you.” Jasper wrapped her arms around the two teens and dropped a small kiss on each of their heads. “Ah. Now, give me a sec; I gotta stretch my legs.”

Jasper stood up and walked into the empty space as she stretched her body. Steven spoke again once she was out of earshot.

“Garnet was right; she did our help.”

Connie asked as a chilling thought came to her, “Steven… How many times has Jasper needed a reset?”

“… … …3 so far.” Steven said solemnly. “She’s remembered on her own each time, and she’s handled it better each time but the last time… She didn’t tell anyone she was struggling; she tried to hold it all in and just live with it. But she cracked … literally. Her gem would randomly crack. The last time, I almost… she would crack as soon as I healed her. I almost couldn’t help her.”

“Wow, poor Jasper… So, what do we do?”

“We have to just be there for her. The good this, she wants to get better, and she wants to be okay with everyone. That’s half of it there. She can do it.”

Connie then remembered a saying. “Yeah, because ‘Jaspers always get what they want’.”

Steven had to chuckle at the impression. “Even if that time didn’t go well… She’ll be okay. We’ll be with her. She’s strong; she’s gonna make it.” 

_♪’Look in the mirror, there goes a hero/ who’s on the frontlines at ground zero/ my heart don’t skip a beat, even when hard times bumps the needle’. ♪ _

At that moment, Jasper noticed a familiar pale gem entering the arena. Pearl smiled as she saw Jasper approaching and barely got a few steps in before she was gathered up in Jasper’s tender embrace, to Pearl’s own giggling delight. The couple began kissing … until Pearl noticed Steven and Connie sitting off to the side. She let out a squawk of embarrassment as she pulled back for her quartz’s lips. The teens tried to wave off her concerns, but Pearl couldn’t escape her mortification.

Jasper could tell it was time to go. She easily lifted Pearl to seat on her shoulder and held her in place with a hand of her lap. Distantly, Pearl knew she should protest such nonchalant placement … but she always loved this place atop her statuesque lover. Jasper walked back to the teens…

“We’re gonna head off; gotta get this gorgeous gem alone.”

“Jasper!” Pearl exclaimed, mortified, with a slap to the quartz’s hand, “Don’t say that to them!”

Jasper breezily retorted, “What? You act like they’re not going to start making out too as soon as we leave.”

Connie abruptly coughed in surprise, and Steven nervously stammered, “Jasper, wha—Why would you … say that? That’s not… I mean, we weren’t here for… I don’t know why you … thought of that. I mean…”

A hearty laugh rumbled in Jasper’s chest. “Calm down; I’m just joking with you… Now, are you two fine here or did you have somewhere we could drop off on the way?”

Connie asked teasingly, “Is Pearl alright sharing space up there?”

“I don’t mind, as long as she’s okay with it. Jasper has plenty of strength to go around.” 

Steven tried to be civil. “Oh, but we don’t want to be rude or anything.”

Jasper brushed it aside with a grin, “Oh, get off that. Come here, you two.”

Jasper then easily grabbed up the two teens, making them squeal and laugh, and placed them on her other shoulder, sitting opposite Pearl. Finally, with Jasper easily supporting her three passengers, the four gems left together.

The End

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: There we have it. Thank you for reading, and I hope you liked it. First, if you’re not a fan of the song, feel free to substitute it with Linkin Park’s ‘Breaking the Habit’, Placebo’s ‘Running Up That Hill’. Shaman’s Harvest’s ‘And Then There Was Darkness’, or any other sad song of regret and reflection of your choosing. In any case, thank you again for reading, I really hope you enjoyed it, and I really hope you read more from me soon. And as always, Rant, Rave, and Review.


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